Bred My Misery and Drowned it in Him
by wrecking
Summary: When Bella leaves Edward, he isn't sure what to do until a familiar face reappears and ends up being what he can take everything out on. Set after the wedding in Breaking Dawn, then goes AU. Edward/Jacob Slash Alternate Universe
1. Chapter 1

Edward wasn't surprised when four months after their wedding -- three months and two weeks since she'd been turned -- that Bella had left him. It was a slow process even in the short amount of time it transpired. He'd heard her gathering her things, slamming every gift he'd given her against the walls and hard wood floors; her voice booming in growls and curses as she forced the last of her possessions into a set of luggage Carlisle and Esme had given them for their honeymoon. He wanted to think it was ironic, but it was more fitting.

"Are you just going to let her leave?" Alice shrieked at him. He flinched but didn't turn toward her. His family could all hear what was happening upstairs, all wishing that Edward would do _something_. "Please, Edward. Don't just let her leave. _Please_." He wanted to assure Alice this was for the best and apologize for letting her first real best friend leave without trying to thwart it. The truth was that Edward knew it wasn't for the best, knew that he'd be a shadow of himself, knew that the second he couldn't smell her anymore, he'd crumble to the floor in metaphorical pieces.

The thunderous stomping down the stairs made the entire family look up. Bella stood before them, luggage in tow, glaring right at her husband. Edward's eyes were trained on hers, like they always were when she was in the room. He stood and took one step forward. Bella sighed exasperatedly and stomped toward the front door, slamming it closed. Edward's head fell forward, and he could already feel parts of himself slipping away.

"Edward! Go after her! Please!" Alice screamed.

Esme came up behind her, holding her tight and kissing her head. "This is Edward's choice, Alice. Don't make it harder than it already is." Esme gave Alice another tight squeeze before walking over to Edward. He was barely aware of her hand on his shoulder, but when her arm started to encircle his waist -- the way he'd always held Bella against him, the only way he felt like she could be safe -- he winced from her and stormed up the stairs. He heard Rosalie's laughter, heard Esme and Carlisle trying to quiet her. Nothing made it worse because it couldn't get any worse.

"Someone take his credit cards; I'm not chasing him to Italy," Rosalie said with a smirk.

It was weeks before Edward left his room to hunt. He'd begun to see Bella sitting on their bed, talking to her like she was physically there and not a hallucination. His family had sat outside his room, taking turns and waiting for him to reappear. He stayed alone, talking to empty air and pretending it was his soon to be ex-wife.

Emmett forced him to hunt, catching prey for him and watching as he drank only enough to sate his thirst. When he'd had his fill, he stood, falling against a neighboring tree and waiting for Emmett to finish his own kill. Edward closed his eyes, seeing Bella behind his lids and slumping forward. It was in this moment -- what he was sure had to be one of the worst of his life -- that he smelt the beach mixed with sweat and the reek of wet dog. Emmett was crouched in a warning pose as Edward lazily opened his eyes to see a rusty wolf standing before them.

"What do you want, mutt?" Emmett growled.

Edward looked up and the wolf's mouth was parted open, as if he were smiling. He could hear the laughter in his head, the victory and happiness that rushed through every thought he had. Edward stood, walking toward the large wolf without abandon.

"Does it make you happy? Are you that cruel?"

_Only way I'd be happier is if she'd killed you before she ran off on her own,_ the wolf chided.

Edward winced at the thought, winced at hearing Bella's name spoken -- or thought -- aloud. "Jacob Black, you have no idea what you are making light of. If you did, you wouldn't at all."

_Fucking leech. If you loved her, you'd go after her. Clearly, you're more concerned about your pride than your supposed true love_. Jacob punctuated this with a barking laugh.

It was enough; it was all he could take. Edward lunged at Jacob before Emmett could stop him. It wasn't a fair fight; Jacob in wolf form was no match to any vampire, especially one scorned by his former flame. "I do love her. I _do_ love her! Take it back!" Edward screamed, his hands pulling at the thick fur of Jacob's body. Jacob only laughed harder, his head mimicking his wolfish chuckle. Emmett finally pulled Edward off and threw him across the clearing. Jacob snorted and turned to leave, but not without a final thought.

_Maybe I'll go after her if you won't._

Another week passed, and Edward's family had given up on coaxing him out of his room. He had given up the pathetic reincarnations of Bella his mind was conjuring and longed to go after the wolf, to find him and tear him apart before he could touch his precious Bella. His eyes shut tight as he watched it in his head, his teeth sinking into Jacob's soft flesh and hands tearing every appendage off. His mouth melted into a wicked smile just as he picked up the wolf's scent again. His eyes darkened at the thought of him being on _his property_ without invitation or permission.

"Jacob Black," Edward said low like a growl. He tore through the house, blurring down the stairs and staring his enemy in the eye with cold malice. "What the hell are you doing here?"

Jacob turned to look at Edward, his eyes glazing over the vampire's weak frame, taking notice of the way his eyes were sunken into his cheeks as if he could sleep and hadn't. "I can't find her," he said simply. He looked down, his arms crossing over his chest. "I looked for her, and I can't find her. I'm worried."

Edward stood still for a moment and then laughed so loudly it filled the entire room with a boom. "If she wanted you, pup, she'd come to you. Obviously she doesn't want either of us."

Jacob's expression tensed and he took a few steps until he was closer to Edward, but far enough away so neither were sickened by the scents of their enemies. "I know you still care for her. She could be anywhere; she could be doing things she's not supposed to. Aren't you worried for her welfare?"

Edward could tell Jacob was concerned, but it was so heartbreaking to think of Bella, especially to have the knowledge that Jacob had actively looked for her after her departure from him. "I don't care what she does, or where she is. That's her business now," Edward said coolly. He shifted his weight and glared at Jacob, trying to show the contempt that he couldn't make himself feel.

Jacob moved forward one more step, his eyes staring a hole through Edward. "I always knew you were a coward, but this just solidifies it."

Edward's glare intensified, his feet planting firmer to the ground. "Fuck you, Black."

"You wish, Cullen."

Jacob chuckled and turned, walking out the door, still laughing.

_Fucking Cullen. If I could hate him any more than I do, I would. He's such a fucking asshole. I'll find Bella, and when I do, I'll be sure to rub every second of our happiness in his pompous face._

Edward was searching the woods for someone -- not the one he should, but the one he most decidedly shouldn't. He was horrible at tracking but something was leading him toward a certain spot in the woods, and when he realized where he was, he stopped short and waited. It was exactly nine minutes until he wasn't alone anymore. He could hear the heavy footfalls across the forest, the paws pounding into the earth, claws digging in and uprooting the leaves and debris. When he caught sight of the wolf, he moved just in time so that Jacob tumbled in a ball behind him. Edward laughed to himself as he turned. "Not living in bliss yet? I was sure you'd have a cottage with a white picket fence by now."

Jacob morphed out of his wolf form, pulling the sweatpants from the pouch on his ankle and sliding them on. "What do you want, Cullen?"

"Nothing really. Just wanted to see if you had found her yet. Looks like you haven't, considering you were so quick to respond to me at your treaty line." Edward shifted his weight and began to walk towards Jacob slowly. "She doesn't want you either, Black. She wants destruction and blood and _death_. She's a vampire now and one that enjoys taking human life. She's a monster now, and even you can't reverse that." Edward continued to advance until he could smell Jacob's breath. "Stupid dog. She hates you, too."

Jacob's mind raced with a million thoughts of _No, she doesn't! You don't know!_ and _I still love her, that accounts for something._ Edward laughed and shoved Jacob's shoulders, turning from him so he could laugh more without looking at the pathetic look on his face. Edward had been devastated, it seemed only fitting that Jacob should be too. He held on to silly delusions that Bella was waiting for him to find her. The simple truth was that if Bella wanted to be found, then she would be. She could be in a foreign country now for all either of them knew. _Why doesn't she want me?_ he heard Jacob think and it stopped him cold. There was a fragility and vulnerability to his voice. He turned and looked at him, Jacob's eyes set on the ground below, searching it for answers that even he didn't know.

Edward looked back at Jacob, his eyes kinder than before. "She doesn't want either of us," he said quietly. Jacob didn't look up, barely even acknowledged that anything had been said between them. Edward walked towards him again, his eyes focused on the boy falling apart in front of him. He didn't know why he cared, couldn't have put his finger on any one reason except that he knew the pain well -- knew the feeling of being unwanted, unloved, and completely torn into pieces.

Jacob's head rose, his features softened. Edward couldn't help himself from thinking how young he looked in the face. The rest of him was oversized -- too large and awkward-looking -- but his face was that of a scared teenager, pained from his first love giving up on him when he'd never given up on her. "I always thought she'd come to me -- when she left you."

Edward looked away, unable to see Jacob as he said these words, making the events from the past weeks and months real. "I did too. At least I would have known she was safe," Edward admitted selflessly.

"Where do you think she is?" Jacob asked.

"I don't know, but she's keeping a low profile. Alice can't see her either. We think she's shielding us from seeing her future."

Jacob folded his arms around his middle and faced away from Edward as he spoke, fury in his voice. "It's all your fault. You, selfish bastard. You made her a monster, and then were surprised when she embraced it." Jacob turned back to Edward, tears filling his eyes and sliding down his warm cheeks. "I hate you; I'll never, ever forgive you for this. It wasn't enough that you took her from me, wasn't enough that you married her. You had to kill her too." Jacob's hands were now fists, digging into his sides and causing the pain Edward knew was meant for him.

"Don't you think I know this? I... I wish I could have changed this, but it's what she wanted." This felt like an easy way out, and it was. Jacob took a few wide strides toward him and was in his face. He breathed out against Jacob's face, watching as Jacob winced at the scent.

_I hate you._

Edward didn't move, let Jacob stare him down like everything was his fault, and maybe it all was. It happened too quickly for him to take it back -- his lips were against Jacob's, his arms pulling Jacob against him. Jacob resisted at first, but then his hands were in Edward's hair. Edward could taste Jacob's tears; feel more falling as their kiss deepened. As fast as it had begun, it was over, and Jacob was pushing Edward as hard as he could, his face smeared with the tears Edward wished he could shed. Jacob didn't say anything, but instead scoffed and ran off into the woods, phasing as he ran. Edward was left in place, his fingers going to his lips to brush across them. He wanted to rationalize what had happened, but nothing made logical sense. He'd kissed Jacob Black _and liked it_.


	2. Chapter 2

Edward walked home in silence, at a pace that a human would consider brisk. To Edward this was the slowest pace he could walk without standing still. He could hear his cell phone ringing, knowing it was Alice, and knowing she was worried when his future disappeared from in front of her. It was hours before he got home, smelling like the mutt and reeking of deceit.

Rosalie was the only one downstairs and greeted him with a snicker. "Are you serious? Why do you bother with him? He's such a child," she said condescendingly. This didn't get the reaction she wanted from Edward which caused her to look at him closer as he meandered to the stairway. "Wait. _Wait._ What happened? I know that look," she whispered mockingly.

Edward looked up at her, glaring and dismissing everything she had said. "Stay the fuck out of my life, Rosalie," he spat at her. Rosalie huffed and fell into the large armchair behind her. Edward walked up the stairs, taking them two at a time and trying to figure out what the hell happened. He had replayed every second from before in his head during his walk home. None of it made sense -- _he_ didn't make sense.

He reached his room and stuck his hand in his pocket, unsure of what time it was but glad he still had Jacob's phone number programmed in his phone from when Bella actually talked to Jacob. Jacob always wanted lines of communication to stay open, but once Bella was turned, she barely remembered him, wouldn't let herself. Edward had always blamed that on why she now was the monster that could leave her husband. None of this mattered now -- what was done was done and there was no repairing what was shattered beyond repair.

Edward pushed send after he scrolled to Jacob's number. He carelessly walked around his room, looking outside and seeing the first signs of daylight make his skin streak diamonds across the ceiling. After a few rings, Jacob's husky tone was on the other end.

"Embry? If this is you again, I'm going to take the phone off the hook. I'm not coming to get you again."

Edward was stunned and sat in silence, his mind completely blank. Jacob cleared his throat and raised his tone. "Quil, I can hear you breathing. Seriously, this is so old."

He breathed out slowly and then finally spoke. "Jacob, it's... it's Edward."

Edward heard Jacob take in a quick breath and then sputter a response. "What? Why are you calling me, _leech_?"

"I wanted to discuss what happened before," Edward said carefully.

Jacob scoffed. "Nothing happened. Not a damn thing."

"Jacob, I-"

"Don't say my fucking name."

Edward opened his mouth to say something and then paused; saying it in his head and knowing it wouldn't do any good. "I don't want to make this a big deal, but I'm not going to ignore what happened in the woods."

"Why? So you can torment me with the fact you caught me off-guard? I don't want you; I don't even want to talk to you. I'm hanging up now."

"No, wait. Please," Edward pleaded. "Just, please don't hang up."

Jacob sighed loudly, "Why?"

"I don't know. Just don't hang up." Edward felt desperate. Jacob was the first person he felt slightly connected to in weeks. The first person since Bella that resonated in him, that awoke something he thought was dormant.

Jacob laughed. "You are pathetic. I'm not going to be your friend, leech."

"I don't want you to be my friend, I..." Edward hesitated and exhaled. "I don't know what I want."

Jacob laughed again, "In that case, I'm done with this. Go back to being an emotional girl, now."

Before Edward could say anything, Jacob hung up. Edward threw the phone across the room and watched it as it slammed against the wall and shattered into a million pieces. "Fuck!" he yelled loudly and collapsed into the couch behind him.

"What the hell have I done?"

Edward sat impatiently on a hotel bed, the sheets stiff with too many scents for him to pick apart. He kept his eyes closed, his head searching every car that went by, every person that came close enough for the thoughts he could pick up every time they were near. It seemed like betrayal, but it wasn't. He knew if Bella returned into his life, he would drop everything to be with her again, even if it meant she never loved him like she had before. Until that time came -- and Edward was so sure it would -- he needed to stay busy, and Jacob was a beautiful distraction.

He looked back at the past week; his eyes moving rapidly under his closed lids. He wasn't sure what he felt for the wolf -- unsure if he could feel anything but extreme hatred for him -- but, it wasn't anything that he'd experienced before. His hatred consumed him, to the point that he would entertain himself with ripping the dog apart, tasting his blood, and relishing in the sound of cracking bones under a killer's hands. Edward began to lick his lips, tasting the blood he never would on them. It made a heart that was dead inside his chest flutter with excitement; And this, the moment when he was doing everything to Jacob inside his mind's eye that he couldn't in reality, is when the musky scent of wet dog and sun-kissed skin invaded his sense.

_He's here,_ Edward thought anxiously.

Every second ticked away like he was awaiting battle, as if this would be the final resting place for one of their bodies. Edward listened as Jacob slowly climbed the stairs in threes, his heart starting to race as he got closer to the floor Edward was residing. Edward wanted to equate this to the physical demands of climbing over a hundred steps but part of him knew better -- the wolf was excited to see him, just like Edward was to see him.

Jacob's fist balled up, ready to hit the door. Edward saw all of this in Jacob's mind. Jacob's thoughts were erratic and were almost too hard to decipher. _The pack can't know. Fucking bloodsucker. Damn leech. I hate him. I hate him. I _hate_ him. Why am I here? Why can't I leave? Why didn't I destroy my phone? I hate him. I can smell him. Why doesn't he smell like before? He smells different. Dammit. Dammit! The pack will hate me. Sam will cast me out. I can't do this. I need to go back home._ Despite this inner monologue, Jacob's feet took him step by step to the belly of the beast he wanted nothing more than to run from. Jacob stood in front of the hotel door, his fist raised to knock. Edward saw every second of this and took in a deep breath as he went to the door to open it. Jacob's hand hovered in the air, waiting to make the choice Edward had made for him.

"Hello, Jacob." Edward stared at him like he was dessert, like he could possibly hurt him. Every fiber of him wanted to tear him apart and make it impossible for Bella to love anyone but him; however, a much more dominant part stayed his hand and begged him to let Jacob be near, to kiss him again, to touch his soft warm skin. "Thank you for coming," Edward choked out as Jacob pushed by him and stood in the center of the room. Edward closed the door, turning on his heels to see Jacob staring at everything except him. "Your pack doesn't know, do they?"

Jacob sneered at Edward, his eyes set on Edward's forehead instead of his eyes. Edward knew this trick well, and the fact that Jacob was using it amused him. "Why do you fucking care?" Jacob growled.

"It could make it difficult for both of us if they did."

Jacob turned, looking at the program guide for the television. "You'll be killed, and I'll be exiled. One of us will be happier, I'm sure."

Edward moved to stand behind Jacob but still kept enough distance so they wouldn't be uncomfortable. "I don't know why I asked you here, and I don't know why you decided to come. It speaks volumes for both of us," Edward said quietly, staring at the back of Jacob's messy black hair.

"It says nothing except that I'd like to keep this quiet and know how much you like to boast about your conquests." Jacob said all of this angrily, without turning to look the vampire in the eye.

"I don't want anyone to know, and no one does. Don't worry about that, okay?"

Jacob finally turned, taking in the sight before him. Edward's eyes were dark and sunken in. He looked the same as the last time he'd see him -- like he'd lost months of sleep over something he shouldn't have thought much of. Edward's arms were tightly around his middle, his hair in perpetual disarray that was somewhat of a signature. "Do you… wait," Jacob said carelessly and then looked up into his enemy's eyes. "You like me. Fuck, Cullen. Are you serious?"

Edward turned from Jacob, his eyes flitting back and forth, trying to find the right response to something he didn't have one for. Jacob's mind raced with the idea of this, with the idea of _them_ as something other than warriors in a battle of who loved a girl that didn't love either of them back anymore.

_No, this is fucking insane. No, no. _No!_ I refuse to listen to him, or see him, or… god. I don't like him. I hate him. I hate every single thing about him. From the pathetic way he holds himself like a girl to the nastily, sweet scent that… isn't as bad as it used to be. Fuck! Shut up, Jacob. Stop. You don't want this, or him. FUCK!_

Edward turned back around; a hand going out to take one of Jacob's that were at his sides, balled into fists ready to punch if he felt threatened. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, Jacob. Not one single thing. Can you honestly tell me you don't want this?" Edward pried one of Jacob's hands apart, slipping his cold finger within Jacob's warm palm. "Retract from me. Do it. I want to see you lie to yourself."

_God dammit, Cullen. Why? Why the hell do you… why am I letting him… why can't I pull away? Shit._

Edward took another step forward, their faces a breath apart. "Resist this. Attack like a good dog should," Edward said with malice lacing through each syllable. "Sic."

Jacob shoved Edward forward, his lips connecting with the vampire's. He squeezed Edward's hand as hard as he could, wishing he could break every bone within it. Edward's other hand went around Jacob's waist, pulling the boy against him. Jacob kissed him harder, his lips parting and tongue shoving his way into Edward's mouth. Edward felt the sharp undertones to this embrace, to this _kiss_. How it was born of hate, born of a common distaste they both had and couldn't deny.

Edward pushed Jacob until his knees hit the bed behind them, pushed more until Jacob was down upon it. Edward lay on top of him, his hands searching Jacob's body, all the warm skin burning his fingertips. He pushed his hand under Jacob's shirt; Jacob's skin felt like fire was kindling below it. It wasn't until Jacob pushed at his shoulders that he remembered the boy needed to breathe. Jacob sucked in breaths hard, his chest heaving and straining. Edward looked down at him and there wasn't hesitation in Jacob's eyes. Edward wanted to regret this, regret his hands pushing and pulling at the flesh of a wolf he could barely tolerate the smell of. He couldn't though, couldn't make himself hate it.

Jacob's large hands pushed under Edward's shirt, leaving a trail of sparks in their wake. Edward moaned into Jacob's mouth when they kissed again, the feel of Jacob's skin enough to make him want more than he could have, more than he knew Jacob would willingly give him. Jacob's thoughts rushed through him, becoming part of his own inner narration. He didn't understand why it was so easy to melt into Jacob, to become one single being.

On the bed -- a bed they wouldn't sleep in or do more than touch -- Edward exhausted Jacob emotionally until they parted and said nothing to each other. Jacob looked at him like he'd just committed a sin – and maybe they had – as he walked out the door. Edward closed his eyes, still tasting Jacob on his lips and wishing he could have one second more.

_I can't go home. I can't go anywhere,_ Jacob thought.

Edward felt remorse if only because he was ruining everything Jacob had for his own selfish needs. Edward knew he couldn't be alone and Jacob was his cure for that. He sat alone in the hotel room, his eyes seeing Jacob's wanting mouth, begging for his own. His hands touched where Jacob had, still feeling the warmth left of his skin. He sighed and forced himself to rise; walking down the hundreds of stairs once Jacob had left. His mind cycled the same thought over and over.

_I can't say no; I won't say no. I want him, even if I don't need him._


	3. Chapter 3

It was weeks and weeks of the same exact behavior. Edward had slowly immersed himself within a boy he felt passionate hate – maybe even passionate love – for and lost himself within arms that he never thought would bring him comfort. Those arms did, though, and every time he heard Jacob's heart race, another piece of him fell away. It didn't matter that his entire family didn't approve – although most of them denied they even knew – or that Jacob constantly worried if his pack would notice – and parts of him knew they had. All that mattered was the short hours they devoted to deceit, to the worst kind of betrayal either of them could commit.

On this day, the rain was beating against the windshield of Edward's car as he rushed to yet another meeting place. He was late and knew if he wasn't there within the next ten minutes, Jacob would leave and he wouldn't have the fix he so desperately needed. He pumped the gas pedal, watching the odometer climb to the hundreds as others took their time on the slick streets.

_Please don't leave_, he thought. _Please, please wait for me._

Edward was in the parking lot of the nicest hotel that Forks could offer – nice in a small northwest city meaning art on the walls of ships and sheets that were washed twice a month. He climbed the stairs in twos, hearing Jacob's heart begin to race and his thoughts beginning to jumble into a clusterfuck of unhappiness and excitement. Edward knocked on the door he knew Jacob was behind and restrained himself from smiling at how pleased he was that Jacob remained in the room, that he'd waited like he said he never would do.

"I was about to leave, asshole," Jacob spat at him as he opened the door. Edward walked in calmly, his hands at his side, waiting for Jacob to make a move, _any_ move that made this okay. "You're lucky there was a new episode of _CSI_ on. I lost track of time." Edward smiled, knowing that this was a cover for Jacob's real internal monologue. _I can't believe I waited an hour for him. I can't believe I still come here. God, why does he smell good? He's not supposed to smell good. Rotting flowers. Think rotting flowers. Fuck. His hands. Why isn't he holding his middle like a girl? He knows. He has to know. Fuck!_

Edward crossed the room, his jacket thrown onto the ground beside them. He didn't blink, his eyes staring into Jacob's intently without hesitation. Jacob's own screamed for something he never admitted he wanted. Edward took the last step forward, his hand going to Jacob's waist. "Do you want to talk? We can talk if you want," he said softly as he pushed himself closer. Edward eyed Jacob's mouth as his tongue came out to lick his chapped lips. It was like a game of chess; Edward advanced, bluffing and boasting confidence until Jacob finally conceded and kissed him first. It was a dance they did every time but it always felt renewed when it happened. Nothing they did was more than touch; everything revolved about just feeling better, just feeling _good_ for once. Somehow within each other's arms everything seemed better for both of them.

Jacob's lips covered Edward's, his hands pulling at Edward's clothes like he wanted them off. Edward wasn't sure if this was what Jacob really wanted, or if he was only doing what he was sure he'd seen in movies. Edward let him; he let Jacob pull his shirt off, breaking their kiss for a moment while it was thrown to the ground. Edward began to walk backwards with Jacob in tow until his legs hit the bed and Jacob pushed him down on it. Edward looked up at him as Jacob crawled on top of him, his legs on each side and his breath completely ragged. Jacob's hands pulled his own shirt off and pressed every bit of his warm skin against Edward's ice cold flesh. Edward moaned as Jacob descended upon him again, his lips covering Edward's again until his tongue forced its way into Edward's mouth. Edward's arm went around Jacob's frame, pulling him closer and tighter against him, as if he would leave at any moment.

Edward couldn't focus; he was too intent on trying to see what Jacob's intentions were. Jacob's mind was a scattered puzzle of thoughts, every single one racing through his head too quickly to pin down. One single thought was repeating over and over and every time Edward heard it, he kissed Jacob harder, wanting what he didn't know could happen.

_I don't love him. I don't love him. I could love him. No, I don't love him._

"This means nothing."

Edward turned to look at Jacob, seeing only the broad back that he wished still held the bruises he'd left on it. Edward reached his hand out but took it back, knowing that after what had happened, after what they had _done_, nothing was going to make this better. Instead Edward sighed and mumbled an _okay_ in Jacob's direction. Jacob didn't move, just sat nude on the edge of the bed trying to gather everything that had happened in the last hour.

"Jacob?"

"What, leech?"

"We don't have to see each other again. I'll understand," Edward said softly, unsure if it would even be heard. The room was loud with the air conditioner blaring, and the rain pouring down all around the small hotel.

Jacob turned, looking over his shoulder but not meeting Edward's eyes. "I don't know... I can't make that decision right now."

Edward looked up at him, suddenly feeling vulnerable in his nude state. He rose from the bed, finding his jeans and pulling them on. "I'll leave you to your thoughts." He searched the room and saw his shirt at Jacob's feet, picking it up quickly. When he stood, Jacob's large hand went around his bicep. Edward halted, looking down at Jacob's hand and then to Jacob's face. He saw so much there that he didn't want to.

"Don't go yet," Jacob whispered.

Edward turned as much as he could as Jacob held his arm. Jacob released it and looked down at the floor, afraid or unsure of looking into Edward's eyes. "I'll stay as long as you want me to," Edward reassured him.

_This is the biggest fucking mistake I've ever made. This is worse than letting myself fall for Bella. Worse than trying to save Leah. Worse than any horrible thing I've ever done. I'll never be forgiven; the pack will never talk to me. My father will disown me. I might as well disappear._

Jacob looked back up at the vampire as he crouched down in front of him. "We aren't a mistake, Jacob. Don't think that way, please." Edward's hand hesitantly rested on one of Jacob's knees as he looked up into the wolf's dark brown eyes. "We aren't worth much, but we aren't a mistake."

Jacob started to laugh, the sound of it startling Edward. "We? _We?!_ Really? You think there's a _we_?"

"I didn't mean it like that," Edward said quickly.

Jacob laughed again. "Sure you didn't. You are so pathetic. I'm not Bella. I'm not going to fall for all your plots and tricks."

Edward stood, pulling his shirt on, instantly regretting the entire past hour. "Fuck you, Black."

Jacob only laughed more. "You already did, dumbass."

Edward looked back at him as he slipped his shoes on, feeling like the adulterer in a relationship where they couldn't be one. "Guess it wasn't that memorable." Edward said hastily before slamming the door behind him. He rushed down to his car, sure that it wasn't a pace he should use outside of his home or the woods. He didn't care. His only concern was getting as far away from the wolf as he could. His chest started to tighten as if something was swelling inside it and fermenting. He held his middle as he started his car, ripping out of the parking lot and speeding the entire way home.

Edward sat and stared at his cell phone, wondering what Jacob was doing, if he was still sitting in that hotel room, or if he went home to stare at his own phone, willing Edward to call. He wasn't sure how long he'd been stagnant in his room, but it had been at least an hour. He ignored knocks on his door, and his family cursing his decisions in their heads. He didn't much care if he never came out, all that seemed to matter was the boy he'd left naked and scorned in a cramped hotel room outside of Forks.

As if Jacob could hear his thoughts, his cell phone rang, the name on the caller ID the same one he couldn't stop thinking about. He hesitantly answered, his voice raspy. "Jacob?"

"Don't say anything. Just listen." Edward wasn't certain how to respond, so he gave a slow _okay_. "I have no intentions of seeing you again, unless you happen to stalk me in the woods again. You know where the treaty line is, and the agreement from before still stands. I don't want you anywhere near my land, and I won't come near yours." Jacob took a deep breath and continued. "Nothing happened. Everything was nothing. _Nothing_. I don't want anything to do with you. And if Bella comes back, you can have her. I'm done with both of you."

Edward had stopped breathing the second Jacob's voice was in his ear, sounding more remorseful than upset. Jacob coughed and cleared his throat; something Edward assumed was a way of signaling he was through with his rant and strict orders. "Is that it?" Edward asked.

"For now, yes. I don't want you to call me, and I won't be calling you. As far as I'm concerned, you don't fucking exist."

Edward closed his eyes. "If that's what you want."

"Don't patronize me. You have no idea what this is like for me. You sweep in and fuck everything up and then tell me 'As you wish' like this is some romantic movie with an all-star cast. This is _my life_, and I refuse to let you mess it up any more than you have already." Jacob's voice boomed in Edward's ears, making him miss the fury within his dark eyes already.

"Does it matter what I want?"

"No, it doesn't matter what you want! You have no say. I want nothing to do with you."

"Then, why are we still talking? Why did you call? You could have easily never spoken to me again, and I would have figured things out for my own. I'm not an idiot," Edward said condescendingly.

Jacob sighed out of anger. "I wanted to make things clear. Stop complicating this! It's not complicated. It's very simple. Just… go away."

"Do you really want that? You want me to disappear? I can, but only if you are sure that's what you want."

The seconds ticked by slowly as Edward waited, anticipating Jacob's answer, but already knowing what it would be. Finally, Jacob cleared his throat and Edward leaned back against the couch, his eyes closing again.

"I can't want you, or this, or… _us_. There is no _us_. There can't be. We'll never be more than outcasts and secrets," Jacob whispered.

Edward finally took a breath. "What if I said I was okay with that?"

"I'd say you are more of a moron than I thought," Jacob said lightly, chuckling under his breath. "We'd both have no one."

"We'd have each other," Edward said softly.

There was a scuffle on the other end of the line, and then it went dead. Edward pulled the phone from his ear and closed it. At the least, he had tried to make Jacob feel like he meant something to someone, even if he'd never believe that person could be a vampire – his competitor and mortal enemy.

"We can't do this again," Jacob said, although he never meant it. His skin seemed to stretch for miles on the bed they lay upon, his warmth soaking into every thread of the sheets. "We're treading a fine line, Edward."

Edward's fingers traced down Jacob's chest, his eyes watching the invisible frigid lines left along Jacob's fire-hot skin. "You don't mean that."

"Yes, I do. This is it, the last time." Jacob's eyes closed as Edward's lips brushed across his chest, his lips pursing to kiss where Jacob's heart beats wildly. "Don't do that," Jacob said meekly, but Edward didn't listen – he never does. Jacob breathed in, his chest sinking in and rising to control himself. "Please don't."

Edward lifted himself and looked down at Jacob, his eyes showing all of the desperation he tried his best to never reveal. "I could love you," Edward said as he looked away. "I could try."

Jacob sat up, pushing Edward aside. "Don't say that. Just… don't. That doesn't matter. None of this matters. This never happened. There is no _us_. You need to get that through your head."

Edward sat up and placed his hand on Jacob's knee. "You love me. I see it in your head every day. I want you to know that I want to try to love you back."

"But, you won't. You're incapable of loving anyone. Look at you. You're so pathetic. It doesn't matter what I feel, I'm realistic and know better than to give into what is wrong." Jacob stood, pacing the floor in front of the bed with his head down. "I won't. I meant it. This was the last time."

"If that's what you want," Edward whispered.

Jacob shook his head and began to throw his clothes back on, not caring that his shirt was inside out. "I want to forget you, forget every single thing we've ever done together, and most of all I want to forget…" Jacob hesitated and turned, pulling his shoes on and never finishing his sentence. Edward stared at the door after it was slammed closed, hoping it would open again and it would all be taken back. Then, Jacob finished his sentence in his head, cursing himself the entire way to his car.

_…that I love you._


End file.
